The Proper Care and Nurturing of a Kitty

I, Bubby, would like to take the next few moments of your time to instruct you in proper kitty-handling.

First, you scope out your victim, I mean, kitty.
Actually, any one will do, so long as they are smaller and more helpless than you are.

Then, you approach him cautiously and carefully.
It’s helpful if you coax him with your high-pitched squealing voice while repeating the phrase, “Heeeeeere, kitty kitty kitty….heeeeeerre, kitty kitty.”

If your kitty doesn’t heed your charmful wooing and flees for refuge from the clutches of your tyrannical grip, simply pin him down and reassure him that you only mean him good and not evil.

You may sense the need to calm his nerves by singing, “I love you…foreeever…I’ll like you….for always…as long as I’m living, my kitty you’ll be.”

Be sure you squeeze his tummy as you carry on with glee…this will make him feel very loved and blessed to bear the burden of your smothering affections.

To be honest, it doesn’t really matter how you hold your kitty, because they actually have like nine lives.

It’s amazing the amount of trauma one can endure…only makes ’em stronger and more durable.

If you’re choosing a kitty for your own, it’s essential that you flip them over for a gender inspection.

(Oddly, my daddy isn’t fond of kitties, regardless of the gender…so this kitty is stayin’ at Grandpa’s farm.)

While your kitty may appear to be simply tolerating you as their captor, do not be deceived. They actually crave your attention.

So, happy kitty-handling.

Yours truly,
Bubby–aka “kitty oppressor.”

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