When I’m Not Living the Way I Really Want to Live

Today, Grammy (Brent’s mama) gave me an amazing gift. She came over for the afternoon to play with the kiddos while I got to do whatever my little heart desired. So, I packed up my back-pack (well, actually it was the diaper bag because in case you didn’t know, the new cool is carrying around a diaper bag) and I headed out to the local coffee shop.

Do you wanna know what I put in my diaper bag…ahem…cool back-pack? Well, I was gonna put the lap-top in there but then I thought about what I most needed…and that was my Bible. Just my Bible and a journal.

You see, lately, I’ve been missing something. I’ve been missing some quiet alone time with my Savior. I do try to read His Word each day, but usually, it’s in between breakfast and play-time when I’m trying to keep Bubby from falling out of the high-chair, or from throwing yogurt all over the walls, or from sitting on his sister.

I want God to speak to my heart from His Word, but in those moments, I just have a hard time hearing.

So, I sat in the coffee shop and just read and it wasn’t long before tears came. Can I just show you the first thing that I read?

Here it is, from Psalm 4…and the part where the tears came…lift the load that I carry.

I wasn’t even fully aware that I’d been carrying around a load. But when I got still and quiet, I felt it. The burden of myself. God could see straight through me. My pride. My unbelief. Yet, His look was tender. He also saw that my soul was really hungry. Hungry to know that yes, He really does love me. Yes, He delights in me. Yes, He is for me and not against me. And yes…He alone knows the load that I carry and He wants to lift it right from me.

To tell you the truth, I don’t actually know how to live this life. I know how I want to live it. I want to live all my moments trusting the God who made those last falling leaves, the drizzling rain, me. I want to live all my moments remembering Him. Always aware that He is and that He rewards those that seek Him. Oh, how I want to love Him. And to love the people that He’s given me.

So, now I’m sitting back here in my living room. It’s time to go because Bubby woke up from his nap way too soon and he’s letting me know all about from up there in his room. But, somehow I have a new resolve. A little more strength than I had before, perhaps because a load has been lifted. My Savior is near. And when I’m not living life the way I really want to live it, He beckons me to come to Him for help. Perhaps that’s the whole point of life, anyways. Just to feel my need for Him.

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