How To Survive A Winter

It’s always a good idea to have a plan in the winter. You just never know when you might be faced with an emergency situation of glacial proportions. Freezing temperatures can descend upon you with rapid speed and you’re gonna need to be prepared. And by prepared, I mean, you’re gonna need a source of food. Some sort of nourishment that will hold you over till your next snack. So, unless you’re lookin’ to conk out in the bitter cold, you better listen up.

 Mistake #1. Eating snow. Don’t do it. (And especially never, ever, ever eat yellow snow–ugh, I can’t believe I even have to mention that!) 

See, a lot of people mistake this fluffy white stuff as a substantial food source. Um, don’t be that person.

Icicles, however…now, they’re altogether different.
Especially ones with a bit of dirt-n-road-grime. These babies can hold you over for a whole ten minutes! (Or at least, keep you occupied till your mom calls you in for some animal cookies.)
Now, here’s my suggestion. The moment I find myself trapped outdoors with no pb&j’s at hand, I simply do what I call “the walk-around.” In other words, I walk around my vehicle, scoping out the best icicles for consumption.

 Ahhh…yes! The grand-daddy of frosty delightfulness! 
(Pluck)
The trick is to take small bites. You don’t want to shove the whole thing in all at once. Not only are you in danger of poking out your gizzard, but you could very well experience a painful sensation known as brain-freeze. Ever drink your Sonic slushee too fast? Yeah–same thing.

You know (crunch-crunch) what the good thing about icicles is? Low-calorie food. You can eat like twelve and still look trim.

 They also contain neither aspartame nor high fructose corn-syrup, so basically they’re really good for you. And I think they have antioxidants. I know they have H2O. And everybody knows that H2O is an essential ingredient to the preservation of existing life forms of intelligence as well as not-quite-so-intelligence. Yeah. Duh.
 The only thing you gotta watch is the high sodium content. Lots of salt out there on the roads contaminating these precious commodities.

 But, really salt isn’t so bad. Salt and dirt. Dirt and grime.
A little grime
A little dirt
Never kilt a man
Never even hurt.
But brain freeze
Don’t feel good
So eat your ice slow,
Understood?
Yeah, I’m thinkin’ about bein’ a poem-writer when I get bigger.
 Uh-oh. Thum-thing weird isth happening. I can’t feel my tongue.

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