Dear friends–this last weekend, I spent a good amount of time with some llamas. Like, well over 10 minutes with them at the county fair, and there are some things I feel I must inform you about them. It’s just that there are some common misconceptions that I simply need to correct. Here are just a few:

First of all, in case it was in your heart to befriend a pack of llamas, let me spare you the effort and humiliation. Llamas are simply too cool for you. They neither need nor desire your friendship. They don’t even care that you exist on the earth. They wouldn’t even cry if you died. They don’t have time for you. They don’t like the way you smell or the way you stare and they certainly don’t appreciate your amusing laughter. In fact, you make them want to spit. 

Secondly, in spite what you may think, llamas are very useful creatures. Do not try to rack your brain in an effort to understand why in the world they exist or what in the world they are good for. Just know that they are useful. They are very very useful. There. Don’t question it. Don’t gape confused at them. Just move on with your life.

Thirdly, llamas do not like to be handled. They don’t like noogies. They don’t like you to scratch their sweet little nose. They don’t want you to rub their soft wooly ears. They especially don’t like you to use your baby voice when talking to them. They wish that you would go visit the pig barn. They do not want to be your friend. I know I already mentioned this, but I’d just hate for you to miss this point. I’m not kidding. I want to keep you from disappointment, disillusionment and despair. They despise you. They think you are dumb. They think that you will never amount to anything. They think you are having a bad hair day. Your lack of nice hair makes them want to spit.

Lastly, llamas are not freaks. They just look like freaks. They just look like weird, ghastly, uncouth, useless, worthless freaks. But they are not.  They are cool. They have nice hair. They are useful. They like to spit.

Now, if you still attempt to become chums with one of these creatures–don’t say I didn’t warn you.