Diary of a New Momma

 

Today, I came across an old note I’d written, right after I had my firstborn. (That was nearly seven years ago. Wowsers. How do I have a  nearly seven year old?! Aaaagh!)

Okay. Anyways. It went something like this:

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I’ve only been a momma for about three weeks, but oh, the whirlwind of thoughts and emotions I’ve been having. I’ve never felt this sort of terror before. The sheer weight of responsibility all of a sudden. I’m only confident of this one thing—I don’t know what the heck I’m doing!!!

I took Gideon to the grocery store. No one told me how terrifying that first trip would be. I needed to nurse him halfway through, so I went into the women’s dressing room. Are you allowed to do that? What a comforting relief to get to sit there in that quiet place with walls all around me, so I could hold my baby and cry.

Why am I so scared? Maybe it’s because the world is so big and he’s so small. And fragile. It feels too dangerous for him. Shoot–it feels too dangerous for me. I want to yell out to random people, “DON’T BUG ME!  DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT BEING MEAN TO MY KID! HE’S NEW TO THIS PLACE! AND I WILL WHACK YOUR BAD SELF IF YOU TRY TO GET HIM!” Okay, maybe that would be obnoxious. I should calm down.

So yeah. I’m a little wrecked. I’ve done a lot of crying out to Jesus for help. For some comfort. And some peace. I have good news:  He hasn’t failed me. I thought it would be a good idea to come up with a plan. Does that seem silly? I don’t think so. What seems silly to me is that you’re required to have a driver’s license if you want to operate a moving vehicle. But, for some reason, if you want to raise a human being, you don’t even have to have a plan. That’s outlandish.

So, I’ve got a plan and it’s pretty simple. I figure it’s best to start out simple. I can always be more awesome later, perhaps. But,  I don’t wanna set myself up for too much failure from the get-go.

Okay. Here goes.

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I plan to pray. A lot.
This isn’t hard for me. Besides, prayer is basically like worship. There’s this favorite verse of mine,

Then she came and worshiped Him, saying, “Lord! HELP ME!”(Matthew 15:25)

Yeah, I can pray those kinds of prayers.

I plan to treasure the moments.

Now, when Gideon is finally peacefully asleep, this is pretty easy. But, he does cry loud. And I’m ridiculously tired. And it seems like when I change his diaper, he suddenly has to poop in his new one. I’m bewildered by that. I guess this is the new normal. I figure I’m gonna want to wish a lot of moments away. But, I hope to keep before me that this little guy will only be little for a little while. I already cry about that. He’s just a baby and I already miss him. So, I plan to sit and stare at him a lot and not feel guilty about it. He’s got the tiniest chubby hands. And he makes the funniest faces. I’ll have to keep telling myself that this moment, this one that I have right now is truly significant and worth paying attention to. I think this will help me enjoy being a momma.

I plan to tell him about Jesus.

So, one of the coolest things to me about being a parent, is that I get to be the one to introduce my boy to the most amazing wonders in this life. And I’m not trying to sound church-y or preach-y, but I just really think Jesus is the most wonderful Person. I want Gideon to know Him.

So, when we go for walks and I stop to admire with my boy, the delicate tendrils of a fern frond, or when we sip on the sweetness of a honeysuckle and catch fireflies for the first time, I’m gonna tell him the truth as I have come to know it. That there is indeed a Creator. I’ll explain it to him– that Jesus is where all the light and where all the beauty comes from. Like, He’s the Source. I know I’m not responsible for what Gideon will ultimately choose to believe or how he’ll eventually decide to live. But, I pray that he’ll know Jesus as I have come to know Him. Well, even better than I’ve come to know Him. Intimately. I hope they will develop a deep and abiding friendship.

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So, I’ll pray. “LORD HELP!”

And I’ll slow down and cherish each brief moment.

And I’ll tell my son about Jesus. Yeah, we’ll have our doubts and our questions, but we’ll go searching and learn together and celebrate the glimpses of God’s beauty and goodness along the way.

And this is my plan for being a Momma.

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