I don’t know if you’ve ever read The Pioneer Woman, but you really should. She’s the funniest blogger I’ve seen. Anyway, I bought a “leek” at the grocery store for the first time, and the following post is my very own rendition of The Pioneer Woman Cooks.

Secondly, you need a messy kitchen. Always start out with a messy kitchen. That way, you’re discouraged and mad at the world by the time you finish cooking.

Next, you need a good ole’ cookin’ pan. A really big one if you plan to do a lot of cookin.’

Make sure that it is nice and scratched up. It’s always good to pick one that’s missing some teflon. That way, your mom can call you and warn you of the dangers of cooking with teflon-scarred pans. I think it causes debilitating mental disorders, or something like that.

I know, I know…it’s not funny. I really should listen to my mother. I’m sorry, Mom…maybe we can get a new pan soon when we receive our tax return.

Of course, in order to cook, you have to have some food. So, we’re gonna fry up these babies. Talapia, to be precise. It’s always good to include a little mercury in your diet.

Most importantly, keep a stash of M&M’s on hand. That way you won’t be too ravishingly hungry before dinner. It’s better to overeat dessert than to eat too much supper.

Then, give the Bubby an onion to play with. This will keep him occupied while you decide how in the world you’re gonna cook your Talapia.

Just kidding, DO NOT give the Bubby an onion. Confiscate it as soon as you see him with it.

Mom, Mom…calm down. I did not give him this. He pulled the plastic bag off the counter. No, he did not eat any part of it. I watched him very carefully the whole time. And really, I really did confiscate it immediately.

Now, you just need a leek, because leeks are what real chefs use. Be sure to pose it with some garlic because that makes you look very professional.

Go ahead and chop off the top and cut it down the middle just so.
Be sure not to wash it so it maintains that gritty texture.

Then do some more choppity-chop-chops and you’ve got yourself some chopped leeks.

Melt some butter. (Because that’s what Pioneer Woman always does.)

And saute your leeks with some garlic. (Wow–this is actually starting to look good.)

Now, when Accounting Man arrives home all cheerily from work, just remain calm and aloof and pretend as if you know exactly what you’re doing.

It’s time to fry up those fishies! Be sure to batter them so that The Man will eat them. When he asks why they’re burning, just arrogantly brush him off and let him know you are actually cooking “blackened” Talapia.

Oh yeah…and just add those garlicky leeks to your rice. It’ll spice it up quite nice.

And last of all, be sure to muster up a good “presentation.” If you don’t know what to do with the rest of the leeks that you didn’t chop up, just stick ’em in the rice. Because real chefs always do obnoxious things like that.