People keep asking me how it's going with three kiddos, all of them younger than five. They always ask with a sort of tenderness, because some of them are older momma's and they remember these days and some of them aren't momma's yet, so they want to know, but they sort of cock their head and wait for my answer. And I wonder if they're trying to gauge and see if they'll be okay, you know, down the road. I tell them I'm doing good. Just so good. Because I am. Being a momma to me has been sheer joy. All three times. And I know Samuel is still little but he's not exactly sleeping through the night yet, so I'm tired, yes, but I didn't know that I would be okay being tired. I was the girl who always thought I needed 8-10 hours of sleep every night, and then a nice little cat nap in the after[...]

We're resting here, now. All of us are resting. Even the kitty. Well, I'm writing and everyone else is resting, but writing is restorative for me. Especially when my mind is busy thinking about lots of things. The last few mornings have been rough. Maybe it's because we're getting antsy from all the snow and cold.  I've got this little boy with all this energy and he doesn't understand why he can't tear through the house at full whirl boy speed and yell at the top of his lungs and crash his cars into the walls. He really needs to go outside, but the snow is practically up to his waist and it's just too doggone cold. So, there's been a lot of yelling and wailing, sobbing and stomping and I've sort of been at a loss. Except that God is here with us and I've been asking Him how [...]

      It's so cold here. Just so cold. Today the wind blows the snow from the trees and everything is still the whitest white and I've been staying inside much more than I care to admit. I've got these daydreams that keep me warm. I'm there at the camp lake with my kids. They're playing in the shallows and  hunting for shells and tadpoles while I'm sifting sand through my toes with the sun on my cheeks. I'm smiling in my daydreams. And I'm warm. Toasty warm. About this time every year I start wondering why in tarnations I moved to the north country and what the winter is even good for anyways. But, I've got this friend who strings wooden beads in her hair and paints with hemp and she tells me that there are so many good things about the cold and winter. This friend who grows [...]

When I was born, I had a different momma. And I don't know the circumstances of her life, exactly, when she first conceived me and then carried me around in her tummy before I was birthed out and into her arms. I just know that she was broken. Painfully so. But, still, she gave me life and she kept giving me life as she held me close and let me nurse, my eyes blinking awake in that hospital room, adjusting to all the light. I remember her well. The last time I saw her, I was five, and I can still vividly recall her giving me the white birthday cake with the blue roses made out of icing. She had her problems and her addictions, but when she was sober, she was gentle and loving and kind. When she wasn't sober, she was angry and cried a lot so I sat on the floor and cried, too. I re[...]

A friend came over today and brought us lunch and a freezer meal. Wasn't that nice? People have been overwhelming us with love in all these tangible ways since little Samuel came along. Shoot, we may need to have another kid soon when all this excitement wears off.No. Never mind. We need sleep. Anyways, as my friend sat across the table and rocked Samuel, she asked how everything was going. You know, the transition from two kids to three. I assessed everything for a moment, because I've hardly just begun this new adventure, but in my fuzzy, sleep-deprived brain, it sort of dawned on me. I realized that truthfully, I'm just trying to find my way again. Even here in my own house, with my own kids, with the grocery list always going and the toys that keep reappearing on the living room floor,[...]

There's something about having a baby that makes me feel fragile inside. And it makes me want to handle the world with care, to be easy around the edges, to touch gently because there are soft spots. I don't know if that makes sense. And there's just something so miraculous about a new little person that makes me see the world with new eyes. When we brought our little guy home, this babe who was born when the moon was rising all full and milky white, I sat out in the yard with him, under the pine tree in the dappled light. I could hear a mourning dove cooing, and the breeze was so gentle, too, lifting the branches and I felt like the world was new again. The grass was soft and tender, poking up between my toes and the kids ran and played and I just sat there all calm and peaceful[...]

I didn't know how being a mama would change me. When I quit the work at the office and wondered if I'd miss all the grown-ups, I didn't know how much I'd really be okay. I'd be just fine teaching a little boy his letters and how to make friends and a little girl how to nurture life and run fast and wild and free.My email box got a lot thinner, after the walls of my belly grew out and people weren't writing, needing me to do all these "important" things, but somehow I found all this delight in scrubbing mac-n-cheese off plastic Thomas the train plates and changing little people's britches for the umpteenth time.I really, really like being a mama.I like the part where you cuddle up next to the little boy who grew big inside of you and gave you your first stretch marks, and continues to stret[...]

I haven't written much lately because I've been so tired. (We're expecting another little person the middle of August.) When the kids sleep, I sleep. And I'm very thankful for nap time but it doesn't leave me much room for being creative. But, my mind hasn't stopped pondering, of course. It's always going, especially in the quiet hours of the night. (Maybe this is another reason why I'm so tired.)  When the house is hushed and it's just me and my thoughts with my God, I lay awake for a couple hours, thinking and praying about lots and lots of things. It's funny how you don't know all the things your heart is carrying around till it's plumb silent and you're laying still. The other night, I lay awake wishing God would hold me. Do you ever wish that? That the God of the universe, the On[...]

Last night, Hopey woke up in the wee, dark hours, woke me up out of cozy deep sleep and yelled that she needed her "other" blankey. She didn't exactly say it kind. She never does in the middle of the night. More like a demanding, belligerent tone. She needed her blankey, and she needed her "chocky" milk, and she needed to go potty. I just needed to sleep. So, I got up and huffed and puffed to her room and scratched around in the dark for her other blankey and told her to be quiet, in a not-so-sweet tone of voice and took her potty and angrily told her to stop crying. After all, I was helping her, wasn't I? Sheesh. Can't a mama get some gratefulness at three in the morning?As I bent down on the bathroom floor, pulling up her britches, frustrated that I had to lose some precious sleep, I fel[...]