On How I’m Feeling Here Lately

There’s something about having a baby that makes me feel fragile inside. And it makes me want to handle the world with care, to be easy around the edges, to touch gently because there are soft spots. I don’t know if that makes sense.

And there’s just something so miraculous about a new little person that makes me see the world with new eyes. When we brought our little guy home, this babe who was born when the moon was rising all full and milky white, I sat out in the yard with him, under the pine tree in the dappled light. I could hear a mourning dove cooing, and the breeze was so gentle, too, lifting the branches and I felt like the world was new again. The grass was soft and tender, poking up between my toes and the kids ran and played and I just sat there all calm and peaceful, holding my boy with his peach-fuzz skin.

And I’m so glad my mama came so I could really enjoy him. A mama has this way of pouring out her life for her children, and every time I turn around my mama has me a full cup of ice water. She’s brought the chocolate and every morning she’s making me breakfast, because she knows I’ve been up lots in the night and I’m gonna need energy to keep giving and going.  A good mama never stops nurturing life.

I feel so fragile but I’ve got all this love around me that’s replenishing my soul. The love from a mama who came to meet our needs. Love from neighbors and friends who have stopped by. Love from a little girl, so happy to have a “new brudder” to hold. Love from a husband who understands when I’m weak and who’s been out mowing the yard, and keeping up with meetings, and hunting for a new vehicle for us all to fit in. 

And love from my Heavenly Father who gives us all life. He stays awake and never stops pouring it out, while I find rest in the night. I feel Him close and even though I’m a mama who holds, I’m still His little girl who never stops needing to be held.

My heart has fallen head over heels in love all over again and I’m seeing the world in all these brilliant shades of bright. There’s just so much sunshine in those trees. My babe wakes up, all hungry again and I peer into his grey-blue eyes. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so gracefully alive.

I lean back on my Heavenly Father’s chest and soak in the wonder of new life.  He’s holding us all together and close and we’re breathing in content and deep. The cicadas keep chanting their rhythmic lullaby.  I think I hear my Maker’s heart-beat. It’s just so good to be held.

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