Category archives: Humorous

The Proper Way to Eat Your Ramen Noodles

We eat a fair amount of ramen around here. We like ramen. A lot. (Much to my mother's dismay.) According to my mama, ramen doesn't have any nutritional value. Whatsoever. I agree with her. I ate a copious amount in college. I haven't gotten any taller ever since. So, anyways, you were probably thinking that I was gonna tell you the proper way to eat ramen noodles. Well, I am. But, first you must know that the only proper way is not proper at all. Unless you call, "crammin" proper. Because you're just supposed to cram them in. You stick your head right down by that plate and you suck them up and cram them in. They're good like that.And if your kitty begs for a bite, you yell, "Away from me, you beggars!"  Because you deserve every last noodle on your plate. Even the itsy bitsy ones.So [...]

Some days...

 Some days, I tell you what, some days you just need to hang out...on like a log or somethin'.Or go on a long walk in a big field. Just because.  And some days, you just need to stare at the sky. And some days you've got to wear your Harley jacket with your pig tails so you can wave and say neat Harley things. Like, "Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass: it's about learning how to ride in the rain...on a Harley." Or whatever it is that Harley riders like to say. And some days you just need to grow your beard out. So your wife can smile at you and say, "My, my.. You're lookin' a little bit more like Jesus every day."

If You Give a Girl a Cupcake

If you give a girl a cupcake, she'll probably just stand there, all polite, and him-haw around, as if she's actually going to refuse the thing. But, then she'll catch a whiff of chocolate and somehow she'll hear this angelic singing and she'll forget that just minutes earlier, she had warded off sugar for the rest of her life. She'll say something like, "Oh, well, um...okay. Okay, I'll take it. I mean, if you really want me to." Then she'll kindly accept your gracious offer of delightful goodness. And she'll carefully unwrap it...Or if she's trying really hard to be a lady, she might even let you unwrap it for her. You know, so she doesn't get sprinkles in her hair or icing on her shirt. And then if you're still looking, she'll gingerly pick it up and nibble just a smidgen a[...]

The Case of the Kidnapped Cat

So, I had this neighbor girl when I was younger. I can't really disclose her real name here because I don't exactly have her permission to post obnoxious stories about her on the internet. So, I'm just going to make up a different name for her for now. We'll call her Marti Ganetti. Now, Marti Ganetti used to come over fairly often to play. And on one of those occasions, I informed her rather mournfully that one of my cats had run away. And Marti, being the generous soul that she was, took it upon herself to track down my beloved pet for me. A week or so went by until one afternoon I was standing out in my front yard when here Marti came, galavanting along, with this cat hoisted upon her hip."Maggie! I found it! I found your cat!", she exclaimed, rather triumphantly. I glanced over at the f[...]

One Way to Enjoy Your Life This Summer

There are lots of ways to enjoy your life this summer. And one way, one big way, is to go for a walk in a field of corn.So, next time you see a corn field, don't just pass it up. Go for a walk in it. I mean it. Don't let your whole summer (or your whole life for that matter), go by without traipsing through a corn field. Corn fields can be very adventurous.Now, you might be tempted to run through a corn field. Don't do that. Running through a corn field is dangerous. You could get cut. By corn leaves. And getting cut by a corn leaf is so much worse than a paper cut. Because a corn leaf cut is pretty big. And you could lose an eye. So don't run. Just walk. Though, you can walk briskly if you want. Long as you keep your arms out.  And if you go for a walk in a corn field, stay close to [...]

In the Mind of a Bubby

 Heeeeere fishy, fishy, fishy. Heeeeeeere fishy.Wait for it. Waaaaait...Slowly, quietly, eaaasy.Now SCOOP!Doh!This is ridiculous.Oh, well. Might as well try doing something productive around here. Splash. Whew. Glad I got my shower over with.That counts, right Mom?

If Your Ears Hang Low

If you ever wake up one day to find to your utter horror, that your ears are hanging too low, please, oh please don't panic. Just take a deep breath, find you a pair of toilet paper tubes, and cover those shameful things up.Things might sound a little funny. Like everyone is talking to you through an intercom while your head is stuck in an inner tube in the middle of a busy airport, but hey. No one will notice your ears. Relax. Just keep smiling. Or, if by chance you go outside and the sun is so shiney that it makes your eyes so squinty that you can't actually see much for all the sun shining squintiness, don't get all bent out of shape. Just pull out your pair of toilet paper tubes and shade those baby blues. You might have trouble walking in a straight line and you might feel a little li[...]

The Boogie Dance

Photo credit Did you know that when we were just little folks, me and my brother invented the boogie dance? I mean, we invented the real, true, authentic boogie dance. There's a lot of boogie dancers out there, but we were actually the first to ever boogie. Like, truly boogie. It happened on a crisp fall day. Or maybe it was a crisp late-winter day, I don't actually remember. I just know it was a cold day because we were only allowed to play out in the woods in the front of our house during the cold months, before the snakes came out. (When you grow up in Arkansas/copperhead country, that's just the rules.)We were doing our usual woods exploring. We were always exploring, well, except for when we were playing like we were Indians, building tepees and booby traps. But on this part[...]

When I Was A Mean Sister

This is me with my kids with my little brother. Well, I should say my younger brother. He's much bigger than me, now. But he used to be littler than me and I used to beat him up. I was a mean sister. Like, really mean. And mom and dad would always say, "Maggie--someday he's gonna be bigger than you, so you better watch out." Funny. I didn't believe them...but it happened. And when it did, I learned not to pick on him anymore.But before I learned, I would do some mean things. (You know, because I was a mean sister.) Like, one time we were waiting at my dad's gas station and my mom had to go run an errand. She gave me money to get a treat out of the snack machine and told me I had to share it with my brother. Well, David fell asleep on the dirty old couch in the lobby. So, I got us a brownie[...]

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