I sat in this quiet cafe' over a grilled  ham and cheese while my friend told me her story. How all her growing up years, she knew God was real but she just couldn't get why He was so intangible. Because, she just wanted to feel Him. To reach out and take a hold of Him somehow. But, she never could. And as I looked in her eyes, I could feel her ache. I had wondered it too, remembering how I'd laid in my bed on quiet nights, tears streaming with the deepest pain in my chest. And on those nights, I'd reached up, arms open wide, just wanting God to embrace me. Aching to be held. So many times, I'd wished I could crawl up in His lap, closing that cosmic gap between us. It had sent my heart pounding for heaven, in the wildest way.And as she poured out bits and pieces of her soul, I sat the[...]

Today I walked out in the yard in the rain just to feel alive. Sometimes I do that. Stop everything I'm doing for a few moments just to be. It does occur to me every once in a while that I've been given this gift of life and that God wants me to enjoy it. Seriously enjoy it. And I don't know why, but I've felt bad about enjoying life. For one thing, there's terrible things happening to people on the earth and it does seem strange to me that I'm sitting in my quiet, peaceful yard, admiring a sunflower. I confess, I have trouble knowing what to make of that.But, I know God made me and He made this sunflower and He gave me this yard and this beautiful life, and so I thank Him. And when I don't know what else to do, I thank Him for what's right in front of me. And I tell God, sometimes I just [...]

Everyday when I wake up, I've got this longing in my deep down heart. I want today to matter. I want it to mean something. I want it to count. I'm not content to just exist. To let life whiz by while I overdose on the narcotic of busyness. So, in my getting from one end of the day to the other, I want today to matter and I want to feel alive.Yes, I want to feel life. Even the part that hurts. I want to feel all of it. Because even the hurting messy parts make me feel alive, and again, I want to feel alive. And I'm finding that I feel most alive when I see beauty. When I hunt for it and find it and then stand a spell and just savor it. And I think it's because God made me and He is beauty. That is, He is Beauty embodied and so He lights up the world with reflections of Himself and sometimes[...]

I think about God a lot. The God of the Bible, that is. It's not because I think that thinking about God makes me religious and I like to feel religious. Actually, the word religious makes me shrink back. It doesn't appeal to me. Maybe because I've been burnt by religious.But, I think about God a lot because when it all comes down, I really do believe that He's there. And sometimes, in spite of what I believe in my deep down heart, I can be ashamed of believing that He's there. Like, I'm some silly little kid who doesn't know yet that Santa Claus isn't actually real, or something like that. I guess because I know a lot of intelligent people and some of those intelligent people don't believe in God. And so I wonder if they think I'm silly for believing. Like the way I thought the girl in fo[...]

Sometimes I get afraid of life. I can't explain all the reasons why, but I just kinda go through these spurts or seasons when I'm more prone to be fearful of things and my heart feels fragile and I have a hard time roping my imagination in.And it's strange because it's something that happens on the inside of me and I'm finding that it has nothing to do with what's going on, on the outside of me. Like, today for instance. Today is the most lovely, breezy, warm, full-of-light kind of day. And there's nothing in my life to be afraid of. At least nothing that I can see. But, for whatever reason, I have a lot of what-ifs running through my head, and before I know it, I'm plumb sceered! Scared of the world. Scared for my kids. Scared of what could happen in my life. Just scared. And I don't like[...]

Photo creditToday we went to church. We do that on Sundays. And I like church but I haven't always.  Actually, it wasn't all that long ago that I didn't really like church. Yes, this is confession time. I confess. I went through this phase where I just really didn't understand the point of it. We all sat in pews. (Or nice comfy chairs.) We all stared at the preacher while he stood behind this podium and talked. We sang some songs. No one seemed all that enthused. We wore our Sunday best.Maybe it's pretty basic to most people, but I just didn't get it. Like, who decided we would all sit in pews? And who thought that we should all face the front? And why did only one guy get to get up and talk to everybody? And why did everyone dress a certain way? And why did we all just stand there wh[...]

Today wasn't like my best day ever. I mean, it started out good. I got up early. Like before the kids. That's always a victory. But, it pretty much went down hill from there. As in, as soon as the kids got up. I didn't do a lot of things I wish I would have. And I did a lot of stuff I wish I hadn't. But, I forgive myself. It's not all that surprising to me that I can be a train wreck. Tomorrow will be better, I think.The part I regret the most was how terribly impatient I was with my children. At one point, I had to ask Gideon's forgiveness. And again, it's not all that surprising to me that I can be a real jerk, but I am always surprised at how quickly that little guy forgives. I mean, right away he forgives. And he hugged me big and made me want to be more like him. We prayed and asked J[...]

Sometimes love is in bedtime prayers. When you're plumb worn out at the end of the day, but you go ahead and cuddle next to your boy anyway and stumble out some prayers. Then you let him have a turn and you watch him fold his hands and rest them on his forehead and ask God for tractors and help to grow up and be strong so he can march in a hip-parade and blow a trumpet.Sometimes love is when your husband pitches a tent in the backyard. And he's up for adventure and asks you to spend the night with him under stars but you've become this sissy britches in your old age and you like the feel of your cool sheets and you're not getting up to go out there and be awake all night. And the two of you get in an argument the next day over whether or not you disappointed him and you both spill your gut[...]

I wish you could hear the birds outside my window just now. It's early, early morning and they're going crazy out there. God must have put something in them that feels this need to herald in the morning. It sounds like this loud, jubilant procession. It's like they're shouting, "Here comes the sun! Here comes the day! It's heeeeeere! It's heeeeeere!" Birds are very excited about new days apparently. I like that about them.Speaking of new days, I'm embarking on a new day myself and a new year of life. Just celebrated a birthday. In the words of Elvis, "Thank you, thank you, thank you very much." But seriously, I'm thankful for all the people that celebrated loud like the birds, heralding in all the new with me.It's really exciting to embark on a new year. I recently read about this guy who [...]