Seeing Through

I don’t get out to the woods as often as I used to. When I was just a girl, I’d venture out to the wild frequently. I’d go to think and to talk out loud to God and just to wonder at all the beauty I could find. And it wasn’t hard to find it–I just had to go and look. And by look, I mean, stand still and see.
Now that I’m a mama to two little ones, it gets a little more complicated. The woods keep calling me, but I just don’t always get to come. But sometimes I just can’t help myself. Like the other day, when me and Bubby were all bundled up. I glanced over at the wild edge and saw something I couldn’t resist seeing more of. So, I scooped up my little guy (as heavy as he is) and tramped through the snow. Then, I set him down beside me in a knee-deep drift and said, “Wait just a second…Mommy has to look at something.” Bubby was sweet to stand there patiently while I stared in amazement and took a few pictures.
There were these barren pieces of brush that I had never seen before. Just some simple, dieing twigs, really, but I have to confess that I’m just weird enough to be completely astonished by them. 

I squinted to study them. How did they do that? How did they capture all that light?! Once perhaps a seed pod, now developed into this thin delicate little film…in which I could see through.
Bubby and I had to get back inside to the warmth, but I’ve been thinking about them ever since.
You see, it’s hard for me to explain this to you, but the last few years, especially, I’ve been on a journey. (Well, haven’t we all? I mean, our whole life is a journey, really.) But this part of my journey has been different from all the rest. I’ve struggled really hard with belief. What do I mean exactly? I mean (and go ahead and gasp if you want to, for those of you that know me well) but I’ve been wondering if God is real. It’s been this quiet sort of aching deep down that is hard for me even now to write about. 
Can I just tell you something? It’s not that I still don’t have questions or that there aren’t moments when doubt comes glaring down at me, but now more than ever, I believe. I’ve questioned His existence. I’ve told Him all my doubts. I’ve let Him know the problems I have with Him. I keep reading His Word and something has been happening. He’s helping me see through.     
It’s still like I’m looking through a veil, a thin translucent film. Like, I can’t quite see clearly yet.   
Yet, I keep noticing that some One really big designed this whole place and maybe this big clod of earth that we’re all wandering around on isn’t all there is. 
With childlike faith, I’m believing in another Source of Light. The Light that helps me see through this earthly existence. The One who promises to one day show me His face. On that day, I’ll finally know…fully know…even as I am fully known by Him. (from 1 Corinthians 13:12)

1 Comment

  1. by Rob on December 17, 2010  1:24 pm Reply

    Maggie,

    Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings...it makes me feel less alone in mine. Your writing is always from the heart, and never forced or contrived. You have a great gift...and I'm very pleased to share in it.

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