When You Feel Like You’re Just Existing

Yesterday was a struggle for joy. Some days I just forget the meaning of life. I actually forget why I’m here and what’s the point of everything and I sit at the table at the end of the day and mention to Brent that I feel like I’m just existing.

My brain gets fuzzy and I feel confused because I look around me and there are so many things to be happy about and to be thankful for…but for some reason, joy just isn’t there.

What if Who I believe in isn’t true? What if we just come to the end and find that all there is, is nothing.

Doubt. Worry. Fear.
Now, why am I here again? What is it that’s so important? Would someone please help me see?

I whisper prayers and voice my thoughts. Questions still come.

I ask for eyes to see.

I stop to gaze at black-eyed Susans. What is the meaning of all this golden light? How did all the beauty get here? What do I make of Love?

I call my Mom to ask her a quick question. She hears the distance in my voice. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah…just struggling for joy today.”

“Remember,” she says gently, reassuringly, “In His Presence is fullness of joy and He is always present with us.” (from Psalm 16:11)

I hang up the phone and ponder that thought.

Brent and I step outside to pick up Gideon’s toys from the day.
He playfully challenges me to a lightening bug catching contest.
We run across the yard.

Before I know it, I find that I’m seeing a little differently.
I notice the black-eyed Susan’s again.

This time, I feel Him. His hands take hold of me.
He is real. He is here with me. And He made these.

I may not always know what to make of my messy life or what I’m doing here.
But, I’m glad to know the One who brings my deadness back to life.
In His Presence is fullness of joy.
At His right hand are pleasures forevermore.


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